THE
COMPLETE
DARK
SHADOWS
INSTRUCTION
BOOK
A while back I started a little instruction book based on the 1960's daytime drama Dark Shadows. Here is how it turned out with additions from a few other fans.
These are handy little guides to help those who live in that wonderful world we know as DARK SHADOWS. If ever you find yourself on a strange and frightening journey to Collinsport Maine, keep in mind these little jewels to make your stay a little more enjoyable.
Contributors: Martin Davenport, Judy Phillips, Teri Darcy, Jane Harris, Cathy Vocke, Liz McGillicuddy, Alane Megna
- If things go wrong, get sedated.
- If you come across a severed head in a box, leave it alone.
- If you come across a severed hand in a box, leave it alone.
- If you come across ANY severed body parts in a box, leave it alone.
- Old houses are lovely in candlelight.
- Listening to music, either from a music box or on a Victrola, is a great way to pass the time.
- Be wary of "men of the cloth" who have widows peaks.
- Watch out for people who have extra bricks and mortar in their basements.
- A coffin is an excellent place to sleep during the day.
- Try hard not to look your age.
- People who say they are from England are usually full of surprises.
- Know your incestors, I mean ancestors.
- Stay up late, a lot of interesting things happen around 2:30 am.
- Werewolves tend to be short, no one knows why.
- If you want someone to feel guilty just say, "You betrayed me!"
- Don't date anyone named "Buzz".
- Keep livestock; roosters can be found on some of the finest estates.
- Double-breasted suits NEVER go out of style.
- Never use the doorbell, a knock is much more personal.
- Have a portrait painted of yourself.
- Support local artists, spiritualists, and antique dealers.
- Every now and then take a parallel lane in traffic.
- Watch out while driving by cemeteries, you never know what will pop out of them.
- Never anger anyone named Angelique, Jeb, or Nicholas.
- Find the type of significant other you want and stick to that type.
- Love is eternal
- Obsession is not a dirty word.
- Be careful near cliffs.
- Keep secrets.
- Be curious.
- The Blue Whale is a great nightspot, in fact it's the only place to go!
- Modern conveniences are just that, convenient. They are not necessities.
- Dreams tell us what we need to know. Listen to them.
- Don't let anyone named Laura play with matches.
- Some boxes are better left unopened.
- Gypsies can be loyal servants.
- Memory loss can be a good thing.
- The practice of medicine is just that, PRACTICE.
- If you marry a woman named Laura, prepare to get burned!
- 1966 was a l-o-n-g year.
- Blood IS thicker than water.
- People tend to regret curses they put on others.
- There are secret messages in classical music.
- Eccentric is good.
- Cats are unpredictable.
- Don't go snooping in other people's basements.
- Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
- When in doubt, look wistful.
- Not every story has an ending.
- Unique hairstyles can be sexy.
- Screaming every now or then helps release pent-up emotions.
- Running home from school is good exercise.
- Some of the nicest people are cursed.
- Think with your heart, not with your head.
- You can't cheat fate.
- Wear a heavy coat in all kinds of weather.
- Carry a cane even if you don't need one.
- Buy anything with Dark Shadows in the title, it is worth it.
- Go into the shipping business.
- Quit your job and write a history book.
- Teach your children at home. It improves their imaginations.
- Live in a house that is too big for you.
- Every now and then a trip to Boston is nice.
- Fall in love with the past.
- Take a walk in the woods.
- Take a walk in the cemetery.
- Don't marry your nephew's fiancée, he won't like it.
- If you are going to hit your spouse with a poker, make sure you did the job right.
- Fall in love quickly and often.
- Every house should have a secret passageway.
- Know how to draw a pentagram.
- Trust the children.
- You meet the most interesting people when you are possessed.
- "London Bridge is Falling Down" can get annoying.
- When you hear heavy breathing coming from a closed room, don't open the door.
- If you'd really rather not be disturbed, consider being buried without a gravestone so no one can find you.
- If your new wife's hair seems a bit too black for her light complexion and blue eyes, be suspicious.
- Save money by buying only one telephone, and moving it around from place to place in your house.
- Try not to marry your grandmother.
- Keep the fires burning in your fireplaces, always.
- If you find yourself stricken with lycanthropy, put money aside each week to buy new shirts.
- Young girls should aspire to be governess: it's a fun job.
- Drink lots of sherry.
- Wear mini skirts no matter what.
- Know ALL the secret passageways in your house.
- Don't teach your illiterate servants to read and write.
- Snow is merely a figment of people's imaginations.
- When approached by a dead person, it is polite to tell them that they are dead.
- Avoid Martinique at all costs.
- Pick one favorite song and never listen to anything else.
- Pay no attention to the hour of the day, it does not matter.
- Every house should have a drawing room.
- Practice talking loudly so you can be heard over thunderstorms.
- The uglier the personality, the better looking the man.
- When you're being controlled by someone with supernatural powers, it is not necessary for you to understand.
- Learn how to quickly fashion a stake from a piece of wood.
- Love is better when the person you're in love with doesn't want you.
- Refer to even your most distant relatives as "cousins."
- All werewolves look alike.
- Women doctors are better -- they stay alive longer.
- If you are telling the truth, nobody will believe you, at least not for several weeks.
- "London Bridge" is even more annoying when accompanied by ball tossing.
- A handy talent is knowing how to hold a séance.
- A handy talent is knowing how to hypnotize someone.
- You'll always know when you're about to start dreaming because your vision will get wavy.
- Beware of anyone who wants to tell you the bad dream they had last night.
- Pointy hair attracts women.
- Mutton chops attract women.
- Music boxes are a great way to attract women.
- Mischievous boys who forget their lines attract girls, but they won't admit it.
- Miniskirts attract men.
- Having your own laboratory in your basement won't necessarily attract men.
- If you have your own lab in the basement, always keep it stocked with plenty of dry ice and colored water.
- If you're about to be hung for witchcraft, switch places with someone.
- Always know how to exit a secret room before you go in.
- Keep some extra voodoo dolls around for those special emergencies.
- Pass up any opportunities to attend the Shaw/Drummond School of Assertiveness Training.
- Always remember that vampirism is not a disease; vampires are THE LIVING DEAD!
- Capes never go out of style.
- Practice fainting gracefully. It may come in handy.
- Practice fainting gracefully in a mini-skirt. It may come in handy.
- It's not neighborly to lock the front door, even at night.
- Be careful when tumbling down the stairs. You may loosen the bannister.
- Be careful when slamming doors. You may loosen the walls.
- Candles and cigarette lighters are unreliable and unpredictable
- The best hiding place in the house is behind the drapes
- Twins always have problems
- If you've got nothing to do, hang around the servants quarters
- Keep a Farmers Almanac handy in case your gypsy ever clams up on you
- When you wake up from a bad dream, scream loud, and long
- When you need help from the police, deal only with the sheriff and no one else
- Have a car, but don't flaunt it
- If a little girl starts seeing stars on people's faces, keep an eye on her brother
- Fear can kill you
- Don't bother with an umbrella, you'll never get wet no matter how much it rains
- Wine glasses of the highest quality bounce when thrown against a wall or fireplace
- Completely ignore Christmas and all other holidays
- If one (or more) of the wings of your house is deserted/locked up, there is a reason for it
- Do not try to stake vampire at sunset
- If your loved one travels in time, follow. He/she WILL get in trouble without you
- ALWAYS believe the tarot cards
- Any child living at Collinwood will be possessed at least once
- Do not bother consulting the family history. The information you need will be wrong or missing
- Do not bother altering the family history. Your descendants will find out anyway
- If you are not directly descended from Daniel Collins, do not try to have children
- If someone you know suddenly starts wearing scarves, this is more than a fashion statement
- You look exactly like several of your ancestors
- No matter how foolish and debauched your family is, you will never lose the family fortune
- You will never find out what you want to know at a séance, but you WILL find out something interesting
- If the candles blow out, curtains billow, and doors blow open, something is going on. Trust me
- Never leave children unsupervised. Never. I said NEVER
- A governess does not necessarily constitute supervision
- Do not hire governesses for their looks. Especially if they look like Josette. (All dark haired young women look like Josette.)
- There is always a secret panel
- Any night when there is not a thunderstorm, there will be a full moon
- Time travel keeps you young
- Don't be afraid to admit you don't understand
- If you don't like the way things are going, return to a previous century and fix it
- Do not climb stairways that lead nowhere
- If your name is Carolyn, enter a nunnery
- Never install carpeting; it holds blood stains
- Never have the right dates put on your gravestone. It keeps everyone guessing
- There IS something strange going on in this house
- No matter what people tell you, it is NOT your imagination
- If your mother wants to take you to a special, wonderful place, make her show you the place on a map before you agree to go
- If Confucius couldn't master something, you might not want to be messing with it yourself
- Be careful who you enslave; they may betray you.
- If someone offers you a drink, insist on pouring it yourself
- It's a wise man who wears a monocle
- Jewels can start all kinds of trouble
- If you possess innocent children and make them give you the burial your family never did, consider the possibility that you may be too tall to fit in a toy chest
- Surround yourself with the color green
- Children with stained glass windows in their bedrooms are bound to have emotional problems.
- If you become a vampire's slave, consider turtlenecks for your attire. They are much more practical than scarves or shawls for hiding those tell-tale fang marks
- Hone your skills at being able to strike a person mute on a moment's notice. It is a handy talent -- particularly when someone is about to reveal a terrible secret
- It's impolite to ask a vampire for a mirror
- In order to avoid any possible embarrassments when you transform from a werewolf back to a human, purchase your pants from the same shop David Banner buys his. They are guaranteed not to rip off, no matter what happens
- Don't invest in expensive bed linens. For the time you'll spend actually sleeping in the bed, they won't be worth it
- If you've always dreamed of being a governess, go to Collinwood. The only formal training required for the position is to have waitressed at a diner
- Have your hearing checked regularly. You'll need that sense acutely tuned in order to successfully eavesdrop through closed drawing room doors
- Never wonder about the fact that you look exactly like long-dead ancestors but you don't even remotely resemble anyone in your immediate family
- Learn to appreciate the concept of irony
- If you hear a squeaky noise at your bedroom window, the odds are that it is not simply a tree branch scraping against the glass
- Before you marry (especially if the blushing bride's name is Cassandra or Laura), do a little checking into her background. If she can't produce so much as a birth certificate, dental record or even a library card for I.D., you might want to reconsider your wedding plans
- Hide the family treasure trove well. You never know when you'll need it later in life -- much later in life.